Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:4
Dearest Daughters,
This week I’d like to discuss another element of having a newborn baby. Your husband is becoming a father just as you are becoming a mother, and this is a life-changing event in his life just as much as it is in yours.
You may not see this as easily as you see the changes in yourself, because he’s not the one who was pregnant with the baby nor gave birth. Neither is he the one breastfeeding the baby nor doing most of the work of changing, dressing, swaddling, and rocking.
But the internal change of knowing that this baby has been given to him by God is enormous. He is the main one who will wash you and the child in the Word of Christ, who will bear responsibility for the direction the family takes and for the eternal soul of this little one.
And beyond that, he has just watched you go through a birth—and in my experience, both as a mother and a midwife, this is one of the hardest things a man can watch.
So ask the Lord to give you empathy for his side of the picture.
He Is Becoming a Father Too!
Most men do not experience newborns in the same way that women do. The mommy wants to immediately touch the baby from head to toe, count their fingers and toes, observe their every movement, and compare it to how it felt when they were still inside the womb.
Men spend more time watching the mother with the baby and the way the baby responds to the mother, and vice versa, than they do actually examining the baby. They see the whole picture of the family coming together more than they get into those little newborns, who they sometimes even seem slightly frightened of, in my experience.
Yes, Daddy loved to hold all of you, but he enjoyed you more once you could play and giggle and be tickled and thrown in the air and things like that. The relationship developed later and slower than it did with me.
But what he loved in the newborn phase was watching you connect with me and me connect with you. I found him to be a little awkward with the brand-new babies, and I see this as very common with men.
Remember that your husband is becoming a father. This is happening to him at the same time that motherhood is happening to you.
Your husband is going to admire you greatly for having brought that baby into the world. Are you admiring him as much as he is admiring you?
Be sure to make a point to tell your husband, “You’re a father now. We made this baby together with God!” Show appreciation for him and for the place he now fills in the life of this little child.
Make room for your husband to get to know the baby.
Lay the baby between the two of you when you’re sitting in bed together, first thing in the morning or last thing at night, and point out the things the baby is doing. Tell your husband about the baby when he first looks at you or smiles at you.
Offer for him to hold the baby if he wants to, but do not impose it upon a brand-new father who’s not sure how to support the head and is a little afraid of breaking that fragile baby.
His relationship with the baby may not develop exactly as yours does. It may develop later and more slowly, but that does not mean it is less important. Give him room to become a father in his own way.
Protect Your Marriage While Your Family Changes
Remember, every person in the family has a place. Especially with first-time moms, your husband filled up almost all of the space of love and care in your heart. So when the baby is born, the place for the father shifts a bit in terms of your direct affection, physical touch, and love.
No human being can go through that transition without feeling it, and it’s important to remain emotionally connected through this time. Protect your marriage.
Any transition, any new relationship, will cause the relationships around it to feel shaky, so defend your love. Defend your intimacy.
Do not get so caught up with your own fatigue, your soreness, and tiredness that you do not pay attention to the relationships that will sustain you through those experiences.
Speak kindly, even when you’re exhausted. Show gratitude for every single act of love, affection, and service that your husband shows to you.
Affection and Intimacy After Birth
The postpartum period can be a little turbulent for physical intimacy with your spouse. You’re sore and tired and your hormones are all over the place. But don’t let this prevent you from showing love and affection, including physical affection, in ways that you can during this time. While it may look different than before the birth, there are still ways to express your affection, so don’t delete those just because you can’t resume everything immediately.
Take your time, express your needs and your fears, but don’t do nothing! Physical interaction is an affirmation of love and relationship, and you’d be surprised how easy it is once you decide to show it.
Self-sacrificing love is vital to marriage. That means you show love, even physical love, when you don’t feel it, and here is a time that you can do that within the the limitations of this season.
Demonstrate your love and affection and watch what happens. It will grow and flow again, like before and even better than before, if you actually take the step to express yourself when you feel it the least.
If you don’t feel as physically attuned and satisfied in your marriage as you did before, don’t panic! It’s okay. This is just called exhaustion and hormone fluctuation. It will pass!
So don’t be afraid. Just step out without fear, and show the love that a marriage needs to thrive, and in time you will experience everything you long for again.
Become Teammates, Not Scorekeepers
Become teammates in the raising of your new little baby.
Don’t ever be scorekeepers of how many times you got up or who changed a diaper. That isn’t the way relationships work. They aren’t added up numerically, but they fit together through strengths and weaknesses, through ebb and flow, through seasons that change.
There will be things you can do that your husband can’t do—at least not with the grace of a mother—just as there are things he does better than you. There will also be burdens he can carry for you when you are tired and depleted. You don’t need to make everything equal. You need to learn how to fit together.
And remember, though your husband can never nurse your baby, give him your heart to hold, because he will always be able to carry that.
With all my love,
Mom