“But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.”
—James 3:17
Dearest Daughters,
I would like to talk to you about the relationships between women.
How should we relate to one another? And more specifically, what do we do when we see a need in a sister, a neighbor, or a friend? And finally, do we feel threatened by other women?
Inevitably, we are human. We are broken and see only in part, so we will all notice weaknesses, failures, and faults in one another. But what we do when we see these shortcomings, is what reveals whether we are truly walking as Christians.
There are few things I’ve seen that are more harmful to the body of Christ, to His image that we are meant to represent, than the ways women sometimes treat one another. This grieves me deeply, and may God help us all.
Let me begin by talking about perspective. God made us as mothers to be mothers, which means, to nurture and raise children. Children need a specific type of guidance. Scripture tells us, “Now I say, that the heir, as long as he is a child, differs nothing from a servant . . . but is under tutors and governors until the time appointed of the father” (Gal. 4:1-2).
So in the home, we understand this very personally! For the season where our children are young, they must be guided in everything, and we become that governing tutor that the bible talks about. Our “do this” and “do not do that” shape our children’s days. We constantly are watching their behavior and their habits very closely, as we guide them toward maturity and, ultimately, toward Christ. We might say they live under “the law” of “do’s” and “don’t’s” until they come to Christ and to adulthood.
But the difficulty arises when we take that same “tutoring” “under the law” posture beyond its God-given place.
When our children grow into adulthood, or when we begin to treat other women as though they are under our instruction, by correcting and managing them; we step into a role that was not given to us. This kind of micromanaging is a form of legalism and can be deeply harmful.
God has given us authority within our own households. He has not given us that same authority over the souls of other women.
Yes, Scripture tells us that older women should teach the younger women (Tit. 2:3-5). But it specifies this instruction is to help them love their husbands and children, to walk in godliness—not to scrutinize, judge, and attempt to control one another’s every step.
If you have not been given permission to plow another woman’s garden, then to do so is trespassing!
So how, then, should we live among one another? A woman should live an exemplary life. Let her demonstrate her faith in God through her actions, attitudes, and prayers. Let her show others how to love by loving her own husband through her service, honor, and affection. She should demonstrate good stewardship of her home through the tending of her children, the beauty and order of her household, and the care with which she shows hospitality. She can exemplify perseverance with her prayers, her faithfulness, and in lovingly serving the body of Christ. When a woman lives this way, others will begin to ask her how she does it.
And when they ask, when they invite her in, then she may speak, gently and with humility, preferably sharing from experience. She must teach through her own story, not as a ruler, but as one who has received the grace of God.
If a woman says, “Please help me. Speak into my life. I am struggling,” then you have been released to help her, but always with meekness and kindness.
But apart from that invitation, do not criticize your neighbor! To do so is to trespass upon another’s soul.
What is even more harmful than direct, uninvited nitpicking, is to pick apart your neighbor in conversations with others. Scripture warns us plainly, “A talebearer reveals secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit conceals the matter” (Prov. 11:13). And again, “Where there is no talebearer, the strife ceases” (Prov. 26:20).
This, unfortunately, is a common and grievous pitfall that I’ve seen both in the world and, sadly, within the church.
When I was in medical training, I noticed a pattern at the nurse’s stations. Conversations among women mainly revolved around two things: tearing down their husbands and dissecting other women. The only consistently positive thread of conversation was something as trite as beauty tips. It grieved me that there was such an unhealthy camaraderie formed in shared criticism and complaining!
But a godly woman does not build relationships in this way. Gossip tears down not only the one being spoken of, but the one who speaks, and all the trust between them. Even those who listen, contribute and laugh, will never trust you, because they know you will one day speak of them in the same way.
There dynamic, though it can be subtle and insinuated provokes destructive behavior between women. In this kind of atmosphere, whenever any woman flourishes, whether in motherhood, education, skill, beauty, or calling, other women attempt to demean and tear her down.
You can pretty much count on it in the world of social media. As soon as anyone has success, the vultures gather to pick it apart. But in the church, it should not be this way! However, it sometimes does appear, typically in a subtler and more insinuated form. We’ve all heard it:
“I’m not sure her method is the best…”
“I’ve heard others question how so and so does such and such…”
“There are studies that say otherwise…”
“I think she doesn’t really get you..”
“I can help you with a much better route…”
And slowly, like a cancer, confidence is eroded, trust is frayed, and the work of God through the individual being attacked is undermined. This spirit is not from God. It echoes the accuser of the brethren. It mirrors Absalom at the gate, drawing hearts away for his own elevation.
In another example from the Bible, when David gained victory over Goliath and the Philistines, Saul, who had once loved him and desired him as a son-in-law, began to hate him. He spent the remainder of his life seeking to kill David and destroy his reputation. Scripture tells us that a distressing spirit came upon Saul.
This same spirit was in Cain when he rose up against Abel, and in Esau when he burned with anger toward Jacob. It is a spirit that can come upon any of us when we feel threatened by the success of another.
We must recognize it for what it is—envy. This distressing spirit increases anxiety, foments insecurity, and moves us to undermine our sisters or brothers. It is not from God; it is from the accuser of the brethren. It is the motive that caused the Pharisees to turn over Jesus Himself to death.
Sometimes women yield to this kind of subversion knowingly, but often, they do it in ignorance. They are simply moved by their own insecurity, by a desire to be seen, or perhaps by wounds that haven’t healed. So they feel threatened by the security, visibility, and purpose in others.
I plead with you, and I pray this for myself as well: Do not participate in gossip! Don’t even engage in subtle undermining. Never use words to diminish another in order to elevate yourself.
For “every wise woman builds her house: but the foolish plucks it down with her hands” (Prov. 14:1).
This is how a woman tears down her house and God’s house. Instead, choose a better way. Speak words of kindness, and commit to guard the reputations of others as you would your own. Pledge yourself to speak good, and only good, of your companions! And when you cannot truthfully speak good, remain silent.
Mind your own household, and tend the garden God has given you.
When this is how you conduct your life, you will be known as a woman of honor, one who can be trusted, one who brings peace rather than division. If you do these things, the Proverbs tell us you will be respected in the gates (Prov. 31).
With all my love,
Mom