The Wonder of Becoming

Dearest Daughters,

I’d like to open this letter, and today’s discussion of toddlers, with a memory from just a couple of years ago.

I realized at the time that my youngest, your younger brother Ari, was four; my first grandchild was three; my second grandchild was two; my third grandchild was one, and my fourth was a brand-new baby!

It was fascinating to watch the incredible development that had transpired in each of these children in just one year’s time.

Ari was just like Kaia one year ago. Kaia was just like Lucas one year ago. Lucas was just like Aaron one year ago.

And yet, look how much had changed in a single year of their lives—not only in their size, but in their capacity and their connection!

It got me thinking.

From the moment a child is conceived, beginning as a single cell, until that child is two years old, an almost unimaginable amount of physical growth and development has taken place, with trillions of cell forming in that time.

I looked at that newborn lying in his mommy’s arms, clunking himself in the face with a hand he couldn’t yet control and screaming for every meal. Then I looked at my one-year-old grandbaby with big brown eyes, intelligence already showing behind them, waving hi and clapping hands.

Then we jumped up to two-year-old Lucas with his blond curls, asking for things and stringing sentences together. Three-year-old Kaia was busy rocking her baby doll and imitating Mommy and could ask questions and even give answers. And finally there was four-year-old Ari, who knew his alphabet and could count.

It was astonishing to me.

I was so moved by this that the thought occurred to me:

What if we as adults changed that much in one year?

And I felt the Lord admonish me, Oh, you can.

(And I don’t mean physically—hopefully.)

But it got me thinking. A baby is not afraid to fail. If he falls down thirty-three times in a day, he just falls and hits his bottom. He may not even fuss. He may whimper or cry or knock himself in the head on the coffee table as he goes down, but he gets right back up and tries to walk again.

When he says words that no one understands, he doesn’t get embarrassed and say, Well, that’s too bad. I’m never trying that again.

But how many times in our lives do we do exactly that?

The Lord corrects us. Our first try at something doesn’t go over very well, and we say, It’s just not my thing. I’m hurt because I wasn’t accepted.

These things don’t deter a baby—and thank God they don’t, or babies would never walk, feed themselves, pick up their heads for that matter, or talk!

They just keep trying because something inside of them says, I must do it. I was made to do this.

And if I can give you as mothers any word of encouragement, it is this: when you fail—especially in motherhood, because you will—just get back up and say, I was made to do this, so I’ll keep doing it until I get it!

If I’ve had any success in motherhood it was in this: by failing again and again yet saying to myself, Well, that didn’t work. What will?

And then trying again.

Now let’s get back to those babies, because it might help you to understand just how much is going on inside them.

There’s a reason a toddler can change so dramatically in such a short time. He’s learning almost constantly. Everything is new and an adventure. Everything is forming connections. Before we talk about how to train and guide a toddler, I want you to stop for a moment and consider just how much that little person is learning.

In just the first two years of life, a baby typically learns to hold up his head, roll over, sit up, crawl on all fours, pull himself to standing, and walk. Before long, he begins to run and climb. He learns to bend down and stand back up, throw and kick a ball, pick up tiny objects with his fingers, and stack blocks.

He learns to turn pages and scribble. He feeds himself with his hands and begins using utensils. He learns to drink from a cup and chew all kinds of foods, even though he started out without a single tooth.

He learns to recognize familiar people and objects and to know his own name. He begins to understand more and more words and follow simple directions. He starts saying words and eventually strings two or more of them together. He names familiar people and things and points to different parts of his body.

By two, he can communicate many of the things he wants. He imitates sounds, words, actions, and expressions. He remembers where things belong and can find hidden objects. He can match or sort simple objects and begin solving simple problems.

He’s even beginning to understand cause and effect—which is one reason little babies are so delighted to throw their toys on the floor and make you pick them up again!

He recognizes routines and anticipates what comes next. He expresses happiness, anger, fear, frustration, and affection. He seeks comfort from trusted adults and shows strong attachments to his parents, family, and caregivers. He begins noticing other people’s feelings and showing interest in other children.

He plays beside other children. He imitates household work and adult activities and engages in simple pretend play.

And then, of course, he begins asserting independence.

Me do it!

No!

He begins learning boundaries and discovering what no means. He helps with dressing and undressing himself, participates in washing his hands and other routines, and can begin helping with simple chores.

All the while, he is learning hundreds of patterns about how his family, his home, his language, and his world work, and he will try to hold you to them!

That is just a little snapshot of what is going on in your baby, besides his physical growth, his brain development, and the extraordinary number of new connections being formed inside his little head and body.

When you realize how much a toddler is already learning without anyone sitting him down for a lesson, you begin to understand why these years matter so much. He’s learning patterns whether you intentionally teach them or not.

There are many perspectives on parenthood, and I don’t claim to know the best ones for you or anyone else. But I do want to communicate to you the things that have worked for me.

Again, there’s so much going on in a baby’s life, and in a toddler’s life. They are moldable. They are learning and making new connections, habits, and associations every day. The way I see it, this is the time to channel all that energy and creativity into good habits and patterns.

As I’ve said many times before, connection is the primary key.

You must be connected to what’s going on with your child. Make decisions about how you will connect with your child every day.

I read to my babies every day, and especially when they became toddlers. They’re fascinated with books and textures, and we sit together and turn pages and talk.

One of my favorite things about this is watching them look at my face and imitate my expressions. They understand that the story is joyful or scary simply by looking at me. They look down at the picture, then up at my face, and mimic the facial expression I’m making. Little by little, they’re making connections between the picture, my voice, my face, and what it all means.

You can also teach a toddler simple sequences: Clap, and then jump.

Those simple games teach them to listen, remember, and do things in an order—skills that will serve them well as they grow and learn and move toward skill like reading.

Children also benefit enormously from having parameters.

We do this. We don’t do that. When we’re done with this, we do this.

Develop simple routines for things like toothbrushing and toileting.

Go to the bathroom. Wash your hands. Dry your hands. Wipe the counter.

Before bed: go potty, wash hands and face, brush your teeth, come for a story, then prayers and a song.

All these little things teach them that life has structure.

If you have no structure in your life, you may actually find that you have less flexibility. Structure gives you something to come back to, and that creates room for spontaneity in between. If you’re endlessly behind, if there’s never really a mealtime and never really a bedtime, you may find yourself running out of time to do anything.

But if you make certain parts of your day fairly structured, there can be plenty of give in between.

Recently, a mother told me that she had returned from a trip. She has a two-year-old and a baby, and after traveling, she came home to have company stay in her house. Her two-year-old began acting up tremendously—throwing fits, shrieking, and disobeying in ways he hadn’t before the trip.

I told her that I felt the upheaval of the travel, followed immediately by an unfamiliar person staying in the house, was probably affecting him. That wouldn’t be surprising behavior for a two-year-old whose familiar little world had suddenly become much less predictable.

In a season like that, I think it’s especially important to protect those times of connection with your child.

Put him to bed in the familiar way, with the traditional routine. Spend a little time in the morning talking to him, reading a story, and praying with him.

And don’t underestimate how much a two-year-old can understand!

Tell him clearly and simply what you expect. Give him short windows of time in which to succeed, and make the consequence something he can understand.

“We’re going to use a quiet voice until lunchtime. If you can do that, Mommy and you will read a special story together before nap. If you choose to scream, we won’t have the special story today.”

Keep it concrete. Keep it short. Keep it understandable. And demonstrate what you do and don’t want him to do!

You may be surprised by how much your two-year-old comprehends.

Give clear parameters, and give him opportunities to succeed within them.

There are so many other things I’d like to say about toddlerhood, and I hope you’ll feel free to ask questions even in response to this letter. But I’ll save some of them for next week, as this letter is already getting a bit long!

It’s a tough season, but it’s wonderful.

You have the most amazing potential right there in your home, wrapped up in that little package.

So love him. Connect with him, and channel all that tremendous energy toward what is good.

I love you,

Mom