Dearest Daughters,
Today I’m going to send you something I wrote for Uncle Asi’s child training book, Child Training: A Candid Guide to Christian Parenting. This is originally taken from a seminar I’ve given on multiple occasions, but I really feel that it can give a perspective on how we should approach the toddler years. The next few letters will be speaking to that season!
According to Jesus, timing is of utmost importance. He repeatedly spoke of the times and seasons, telling His disciples that while any time was right for them, His time had not yet come (John 7:6). He said that the times and seasons belonged to the Father’s authority (Acts 1:7). Thus He tied timing to God’s lordship. We recognize this truth in many facets of life, including some elements of child development. For instance, we expect our babies to develop physically and mentally according to a certain general schedule, and if they fail to do so, we become alarmed and seek help. However, when it comes to character development, there’s often a general lack of expectation (other than perhaps bad character development).
Specifically, if your child does not roll over between three and six months, crawl between six and ten months, walk between ten and fourteen months, talk by the time they are two, and start reading around six, you will be very alarmed. Most likely, you will call your doctor or a therapist for help. However, when a child throws a temper tantrum at two, we excuse it as “The Terrible Twos.” When a three-year-old destroys family dinner and disrupts an entire restaurant with blood-curdling screams over not being allowed to choose her entrée or seat at the table, we claim, “She’s just over-stimulated.” When a four-year-old can’t go to bed without weeping, complaining and backtalk, we sigh and say, “Children will be children.” When a seven-year-old keeps a pigsty for a bedroom, we shrug and say, “He must be the creative type.” And the list goes on and on as we excuse the retardation of character growth and maturity in children.
I propose that, just as in physical and mental development, there are optimum windows of time for forming specific character traits in children. And meeting these timelines will greatly facilitate growth and development in every other area. Disciplined children with well-nurtured character are teachable, curious and obedient children. The child’s life becomes easier and his path clearer when the obstacles of bad character have been removed. He can then live in a place of constant learning and interaction with those who can guide him.
Our first two children were twelve and a half months apart, so we needed to teach our ten-month-old to ‘come’ when called before the new baby’s arrival, knowing that Mommy would soon be occupied with the newborn and unable to chase the toddler constantly. Amazingly (to some), she could learn this quite easily with a bit of practice and consistency on our part. By the time the baby was born two months later, we could call her when she was doing anything, and she would race to us on all fours from whatever room in the house she was in. She wasn’t even yet walking, yet she knew exactly what “Come” meant.
This prompted me to consider how low our expectations often are toward other capabilities of our children. Having grown up on a farm, I knew you could teach pretty much any animal a lot. Everyone knows you can teach a dog all kinds of tricks, but you can also teach a horse to be guided by the gentlest touch to its neck or the slightest pressure with your knee. You can teach cows to come into the barn morning and night and to stand patiently still while being milked. You can teach sheep to come from a quarter of a mile away at just the sound of your voice. Even a chicken can be taught to come into the coop at night and to lay their eggs in a nest box instead of in the dirty chicken yard! Most animals can learn quite a few things (although I’m not sure about goats—they’re plenty smart but usually too rebellious to obey!).
However, parents often don’t consider their child teachable until he has mastered English. This is not so! I find infants to be, in many ways, more teachable before they speak than after they have learned to argue and manipulate those lovely English words. For example, it’s pretty easy and effective to teach non-verbal children to say “please” with sign language when they’re only 8 to 10 months old.
As repeatedly emphasized, we first teach a child transparent love and affection. We show them love when we become fools in our efforts to connect and communicate with even the youngest babies. Even this is already a lesson on honest transparency. They learn to expect total love and to feel complete harmony with their parents every minute. A baby is hardwired to feel that love and connection, and because of this, they hate any discord in the atmosphere or relationship and will do almost anything to make it right.
So when a seven-month-old in your lap pulls himself to his feet and snatches your glasses off your face or swipes a candle off the coffee table, it’s the perfect time to teach them “No!” This can easily be done by introducing a new, firm voice that feels like discord to them. The baby will instantly check your face and eyes and stop what they are doing just to understand your mood change and attitude toward them.
A nine- or ten-month-old loves to jabber, and we mostly love to hear it! But when we’re gathered around the table, and Daddy is trying to explain something to the teenagers, it’s time for him to learn to be quiet. A firm “Quiet” will get the child’s attention enough to make him stop and make eye contact with everyone. Especially if everyone at the table joins in the effort and looks at him soberly, he can easily learn to be quiet at the table while adults are talking. He is startled by and pondering the changed atmosphere. He may try a few attempts at changing that mood with “cuteness,” but if you stay firm in your “quiet,” he will begin to understand. This is the first step in teaching a child to have an ear for God and those He sends, just as the young boy Samuel did.
A baby should be able to come when called, and you should have confidence that he will respond to “No” well before he reaches a year. These goals can be attained with firm consistency, accompanied by loving praise for obedience.
A goal I’ve always set for myself is to be able to go to anyone’s home by the time my child is 16 months old and have confidence in his obedience and his relationship with me. I expect that when we go to Grandma’s house, he will enthusiastically rush to the coffee table, excited by all the shiny objects, but he will look back and make eye contact with me before touching anything. At that point, I can shake my head and finger side to side, and he will not touch anything.
In our community, toddlers begin to attend Sunday church meetings at two years old. Because of this, I have the “sit still and quiet” goal. We start practicing between 14 and 18 months. The toddler will sit with his daddy during family reading and prayer time. We try to make it feel like a privilege and a “big boy” opportunity to sit with Daddy. Of course, there will be moments when he doesn’t want to sit there, and there will be tears. But a firm “snuggled” insistence and ignoring of the tears will soon produce resignation and joyful anticipation of the ritual of sitting with Daddy. Our toddler is soon excited to sit with Daddy and “read the ‘Biboe.’” When the child becomes good at sitting still and quiet with Daddy, he graduates to his own chair to practice by himself.
If we look at these moments in the child’s development as ripe opportunities for shaping their character and relationships, we will seize every moment and reap long-term fruit. The ensuing happiness and peace in the child and the family will be a great reward.
If my toddler is still not obeying promptly or coming when I call by the time he’s two, I hope my attitude will always be, “My child has a dangerous developmental delay! We need help and intensive ‘therapy’!”
The times and seasons are not ours but belong to the Father who gave the child to us on loan to train and to love, and He has given them a fertile heart and mind for learning to be teachable sheep, not stubborn goats.
I pray this will help you in your journey with your toddlers! Let the adventure begin!
Love,
Mom
Thank you.
very clear,timely and helpful